The reason we can’t sit in our ordinariness is because we don’t believe we are ordinary.
We don’t want to believe that maybe we aren’t exceptional. Aren’t joyful, aren’t enigmatic and boundless. Well we are, we are all those things. We’ve just lost it.
When I was abused, I remember thinking, I don’t remember if I thought the words, but I remember the feeling. That I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t enough, that I wanted to die. That I wanted it to all be over!
It’s strange because it doesn’t feel that bad. It feels warm and cool but I know that it feels wrong. I know my abuser was a bad man, but he must’ve been a kind man. He was a kindergarten teacher after all. But that doesn’t make him a good man either.
And this brings me to my realisation, there is no good or bad, I just feel sick thinking about it and therefore I know it’s bad. Bad for me, bad for him. What an obtuse thing to say, that it was bad for the abuser. But it’s true. Who wants to abuse a child? Who thinks it’s right to take away their joy and light? We all do.
We take away all children’s joy and light and mar them and scar them for life.
So STOP doing it. Stop blaming the angry one, stop blaming the hateful. Blame the insecure one, blame the inadequate one, because that inadequate one is you. Because you create hate just as much as the other so stop hating it!
And feel compassion. Because as you feel hate towards the abuser, you feel disgust and pity for the one who was abused. If I tell people “I was abused” they are like “by what, by who?”, “what can I do to fix it” is what they’re really asking. But you CAN’T Fix it! It’s over! It’s changed! It’s done!
And I am full and happy. I just want to live in a world that’s full of light and joy and happiness and thunder and lightning and energy! And Laughter! And Light! Did I say light? I’ll say it again! Light Light Light!!!
So don’t be bigoted, the hated are the most beseached by grief, by anger and hatred and you are just adding fuel to the fire. The man who abused me, did know any better, the man who abused him knew a lot worse. So let’s forgive him, and let’s forgive ourselves for giving in to such hatred.
And Love. Love forever and a day. Love until enternity ends (which it never will) and love until your grief has besotted you with kindness and joy! Love until the world fades into nothingness and your reality remains unchanged and hopeful! And Joyous and free!
There is no abuse! There is only you and there is only now. The reason you can’t get over it, is because are afraid of the process of getting over it. You think it makes you, who you are!!!