Trigger Warning: Child Abuse, Anger.
It literally clouds your everything. For those who have great parents, the ones “who want to break free and do their own thing” as some might say, you will never know the truly crushing despair that is disapproval from your caregiver.
It is truly draining, it destroys the life source that you hold so dear. All of your autonomy, your individuality is taken away. Your capacity to make decisions about your own life is eliminated because you never felt like your voice was being heard.
You constantly put yourself down because “what kind of person do I think I could be” or you constantly undermine yourself “I need to stop” or you break at the chance of happiness. “Why is this person being so nice? I don’t deserve it”, or at least that’s what mainstream media would want you to think. Because the truth is that nice people are dangerous, nice people are generally bad people. People who are willing to do something for no gain other than to “feel good” usually want to hold it over you.
When I do something for somebody, I do it for no purpose and with no intention. I see something needs to be done, I see that they are struggling or I see that they need something that I have and which I myself don’t need. Some may say that’s altrusitic, but that is not the case. I am merely being kind because I seek kindness for myself.
Now this may be a complicated subject for some. Especially for those of us who are damaged, who aren’t the bearers of good fortune. Those of us who aren’t welcome at parties because we’re “too negative” or we’re put down because we “have too much to say” or we’re “just a saddo”.
Yes we are sad, sad because the world has treated us wrongly and we can’t just “get over it” because you’ve told us to. Especially not in a world that doesn’t need to heal its own wounds. We go to therapy, we go to the drugstore but nothing makes it feel quite right. Nothing seems to fill that yearning for a supportive father figure the way a gentle hug at the end of the day would.
That’s why so many of us turn to religion, “the son, the father and the holy ghost”? yeah sure, that’ll protect you, the father. Well you never had a good father so you’re interpretation of “the father” is all fucked up, I’m sorry to say. And turning to some mythical being in the sky or following some stupid ritual every sunday isn’t going to cure you. Don’t you know you can make your own ritual?
Religion prays on the weak, I hate to say it, it takes those of us who have been beaten by the world and takes away our souls. Live by the flesh and eat our saviour. Doesn’t it seem awfully demonic that Christianity celebrates the rising of a dead person? And then eats their flesh and drinks their blood? I’m certain if Jesus actually lived, he did not say that. Fuck you King James.
I recently watched The Book of Eli and I was shocked that they so openly said the book he carried was a King James bible, when I realised that that’s all we can relate to. The movie is trying to tell the story of Jesus through a new lens, a new scope but unfortuantely the damage is done, the translation is fucked and now we’re here. If you’ve ever read the bible you’ll know that much of what it says is incredibly fucked and nonsensical. Most of it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, there are clear lines of dialogue that point at something, followed by a destructive paragraph that any high school english teacher would gawk at amorously trying to decipher its meaning. It’s poetry. Well a book that is meant to give me “guidance” isn’t supposed to be misunderstood and be up for interpretation. The meaning should be obvious and clear. But we can’t go back now because we’ve come so far forward, we need to find a new way to be.
The sad thing is many of us (who have damaged and damaging parents) don’t know how to be. We don’t know how to make our voices heard or how to let ourselves feel. We’re all broken in sadness and we shut off that little bit of ourselves that says “hey, I’m here to help”. Because we can help ourselves, we’ve just forgotten how!
But maybe it wasn’t a parent, maybe it was a school teacher or a minister or even a catholic priest. In the end it doesn’t matter because the damage is done, and we’ve been destroyed but the magic is that we can start anew! But we can’t start anew by rehashing the old dialogue over and over again. We need to be nice to ourselves before we can be nice to anyone else. And we need to be kind because fuck being nice, nice is horrible, I’d rather someone slap me than “be nice” to me… You might understand what I mean once you’ve broken free of that haze you live in. The haze that tells you you’re worthless and dying of everything from cancer to rheumatoid athritis.
You can’t go to a therapist and cure yourself in a flash, it doesn’t work like that. But what you can do is start on your journey today and understand that you journey up to this point has been dictated by somebody else. And you need to find out who that somebody was before you can move forward. So take a break, take a load off and learn to be what it is to not have shitty parents. And to not always wonder, will they ever love me?
‘Cause the answer most definitely is, no, they won’t.