I’m punctured, I feel like a punctured balloon most times. I feel like I’m mostly trying to keep myself afloat through this world that I live in.
I noticed recently that my inner-dialogue didn’t really match reality, but it’s always been a bit like that for me. Not having a path, not having a future just kind of meandering along and letting people take advantage of me.
But now I’ve spun the other way so that I won’t even communicate with people if I think they’re going to harm me. The thing is I think you can let people harm you and show them how that makes you feel. That’s kind to express your emotions fully.
I can’t help but think how my life would be different if I had just recieved some kindness on my journey. I knew something was wrong because I felt ultimately anxious. I felt like I was spiraling out of control and just barely able to keep it together. I avoided everything that made me sad or angry unless I had to go.
I realise that that is just not a way to live. You can’t go around expecting people are going to hurt you but you also can’t go around expecting that people aren’t. You also can’t avoid people or avoid situations that make you feel bad, which isn’t necessarily what I was doing but I would avoid people up to a point.
I got to the point where I was avoiding people so much that I’ve barely had a coversation with anyone in almost a month. And I mean a real conversation. A loving heartfelt conversation and I thought everyone in this world was crazy. Turns out I was the “crazy” one.
But that’s not being crazy, I was still in touch with myself, I just wasn’t in touch with my reality. And the reality was that I was feeling paranoid. Paranoid about the world, paranoid about people. Can you blame me? I’d been manipulated into thinking I was nuts and then being instituionalised.
The funny thing is that if I’d just said “I feel paranoid” then they probably would have let me go. But I avoided the question or the suggestion altogether and I’m sure that made me look nuts. But I’m glad. I’m glad I’m at this point.
Because, I have the strength to do what I want to do. I have the strength to heal and this realisation is a testimony to that. I’m grateful in a matter of words. I’m grateful for the wonderful life I live. And I’m grateful for the strength to be the best that I can be.
Thanks for listening,
and as always, stay true to yourself,