Now here’s a story that I’m not very proud of. This happened to me long ago, or it seems like long ago. It seems like a different solar system actually, haha, but I’m going to tell it anyway because it’s important.
I have been institutionalised before, I think I might have mentioned this in a previous blog post but anyway, I’ll mention it again. I was put in a mental health facility because well I won’t go into the details. But it all accumulated from my housemate being scared of me because I threw a potplant out the window (not even through the glass, just onto the footpath from an open window and not even because I was angry at her).
My parents showed up at my house and I’m guessing if you’ve read my previous blog posts you’ll know that I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. In fact, I don’t have any relationship with them except in court proceedings currently and that has taken a lot of courage. I’m not even up to the final part yet but it still feels so scary.
Anyway, I was institutionalised because I showed up at my friend’s house wearing business attire and talking about why I needed to speak with him that day, right then and there. He wasn’t home, so why didn’t I just leave?
Well the thing is at the time my intuition told me not to leave, I was there for a reason. But I remember being deathly afraid of his parents. I later found out that he was at my house with my friend Nick. Uninvited.
See what had happened was I was walking around trying to figure out where Jack lived (don’t ask me what brought me to this point, because then I need to go into this whole deal about being on a bus and thinking I’m superman or something). Anyway, I’d been to Jack’s house before and I had gotten into a “kerfuffle” with Nick earlier in the day. Nick and Jack were good friends so I thought we could talk it over.
Immediately Jack replied (to my message which I had sent him): No, I’m not home, can we meet tomorrow?
Well it turned out that was a lie. Jack was actually home because what happened next was my phone died (forutitously) and Jack then tried to call me and messaged me “Where are you” and a few other things that I forget. So I walked around for the next two hours on some kind of forbidden quest to find where Jack lived.
So I arrive at Jack’s house and rock up to his back door, his parents answer and I’m immediately greeted with apprehensiveness. They were scared to see me. And sure I would be too if some random guy showed up at my door. But surely they knew who I was because Jack had been talking about me (this will become clear later). This is where it gets a bit blurry and I know I was acting a bit erradically. I had to ask his mum five times before I was able to get her to call him. (She said he was with his girlfriend Taylor).
Well, that was a lie as well. Because it turns out Jack was at my house, waiting for me. With Nick.
Now what you need to know about Me and Nick (and even Jack for that matter) is that we had never hung outside of social circles. Sure Jack and I had messaged a lot at the beginning of semester but now I only saw him when Nick picked me up for school (we studied Law together) so I wouldn’t have called us “friends”. Not that I didn’t want to be closer, I strived to be closer to people but I didn’t know how to put my boundaries up properly. I didn’t realise my own strength and my own need to protect myself against intruders into my inner world. But anyway, that’s what happens when you’re abused.
So Jack was at my house, with Nick. And I found this all out by tripping Jack up on his words. The thing is that during our conversation, I saw this like a video game, like Jack was the final boss on my day. And I mean Jack is smart but I didn’t have to manipulate him to get the truth. He would’ve told me if I let him.
Anyway, in a convoluted fashion I was able to devulge that 1. He had been home when I messaged him 2. He had waited to get a car so he could go to my house 3. He wasn’t with Taylor like his mum said. Now this is where the paranoia comes in because at the time, I truly believed this meant that there was some master plot to get me. And in a weird way there sort of was but I was scared Jack and Nick wanted to rape and murder me. I even visualised it and I spent the next days avoiding them but for some reason staying nearby where Jack lived. Am I starting to sound crazy yet?
The funny thing is that the next day I went to the doctor and I told him about the story on the bus. (I saved this girl whil also freaking out a bunch of other passengers -_-) And he told me I was paranoid.
Now you have to understand that my Father is a very paranoid man. He is scared of being broken into so much that he keeps a club by his bed and bits of wood around the house for easy access. I feared for my safety when I would go home on weekends.
He also keeps CCTV of the surrounds of the house on a monitor below the TV so that he can watch it constantly.
Does that not sound crazy?
So when the doctor said to me “you are paranoid”, I immediately remembered how I felt when people would say my Dad’s paranoid. “Oh Paranoia’s bad, so I can’t feel paranoid otherwise I’ll be bad so I have to shut it out. I don’t wanna be like my dad so I won’t be paranoid”. Well as you know, you can’t selectively block emotion, so I began feeling anxious. Very, very anxious and this was because I was paranoid. But I was genuienly paranoid because I had something to be afraid of.
See being paranoid isn’t bad until you don’t realise that you’re being paranoid. And fuck, I was going around town acting like a Schizo-maniac. I would talk to the most random people and say the most random shit.
It didn’t that only days later I was put into a mental health ward where it’s “bad” to be paranoid. I thought I had to pretend to be well in order to get out of there. All I needed was for someone to say to me “hey, what you’re doing is a bit nuts, what’s wrong?” and actually listen to me for it to go away. I had moments of pure consciousness and I’m better now but it took a little while to realise that’s what it was.
Should I feel bad for not realising my emotions?