Why we can’t sit in our own ordinariness.

The reason we can’t sit in our ordinariness is because we don’t believe we are ordinary.

We don’t want to believe that maybe we aren’t exceptional. Aren’t joyful, aren’t enigmatic and boundless. Well we are, we are all those things. We’ve just lost it.

When I was abused, I remember thinking, I don’t remember if I thought the words, but I remember the feeling. That I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t enough, that I wanted to die. That I wanted it to all be over!

It’s strange because it doesn’t feel that bad. It feels warm and cool but I know that it feels wrong. I know my abuser was a bad man, but he must’ve been a kind man. He was a kindergarten teacher after all. But that doesn’t make him a good man either.

And this brings me to my realisation, there is no good or bad, I just feel sick thinking about it and therefore I know it’s bad. Bad for me, bad for him. What an obtuse thing to say, that it was bad for the abuser. But it’s true. Who wants to abuse a child? Who thinks it’s right to take away their joy and light? We all do.

We take away all children’s joy and light and mar them and scar them for life.

So STOP doing it. Stop blaming the angry one, stop blaming the hateful. Blame the insecure one, blame the inadequate one, because that inadequate one is you. Because you create hate just as much as the other so stop hating it!

And feel compassion. Because as you feel hate towards the abuser, you feel disgust and pity for the one who was abused. If I tell people “I was abused” they are like “by what, by who?”, “what can I do to fix it” is what they’re really asking. But you CAN’T Fix it! It’s over! It’s changed! It’s done!

And I am full and happy. I just want to live in a world that’s full of light and joy and happiness and thunder and lightning and energy! And Laughter! And Light! Did I say light? I’ll say it again! Light Light Light!!!

 

So don’t be bigoted, the hated are the most beseached by grief, by anger and hatred and you are just adding fuel to the fire. The man who abused me, did know any better, the man who abused him knew a lot worse. So let’s forgive him, and let’s forgive ourselves for giving in to such hatred.

 

And Love. Love forever and a day. Love until enternity ends (which it never will) and love until your grief has besotted you with kindness and joy! Love until the world fades into nothingness and your reality remains unchanged and hopeful! And Joyous and free!

 

There is no abuse! There is only you and there is only now. The reason you can’t get over it, is because are afraid of the process of getting over it. You think it makes you, who you are!!!

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How not to get into a fight with anyone.

Be Flat.

Be Boring.

Be Lifeless.

Fights are a part of life. And we avoid them so aggressively. So angrily. We turn the anger inwards because we don’t want to fight with anyone or anything.

The child who smashes the plate “oh it’s alright darling just clean it up”, but inside you’re raging. The child smashes the plate because they want you to get angry. Not angry at them, but angry at the stupidity of the world.

They don’t want you to get angry at them, but truly you aren’t angry at them. You’re just angry. Angry because you were never loved, angry because you were never told of Joy, you were only told of hatred. Angry because no matter what you said, you were always ignored.

And now you’re ignored at work too. I’m never ignored and that’s not something to boast. But I also don’t speak because it’s not something I need to do. It’s not something I need to hold onto. I’ve let go of the epiphanies of this world that “talking is good for you”. Yes like all things, it is. If you’re doing it right. But we aren’t.

We aren’t doing anything right because we aren’t living in joy and fulfillment, each of us has joy inside but we’re blindsided by the industry, by the society. Oh I have depression! Oh I’m so sad! I’ll never get better!

Everything is transient. That is what this world teaches us. EVERYTHING is transient. That doesn’t mean you can’t have things, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life or eat the food you want! You just have to live it! In the now! And think about the future but don’t mar yourself with it. Don’t bludgeon yourself to death with worry and anger and hatred.

Because it will kill. It WILL kill you.

That’s we’re so sick. Anger and Hatred is TOXIC. TOXIC I tell you. And not toxic in a metaphorical sense but ACTUALLY toxic. ACTUALLY hateful. ACTUALLY fearful. So live free of it!  Why are you living a life full of hatred and anger when you could be free and vulnerable.

Because it’s hard. It’s hard. It is so hard that you can’t even let go of one thing RIGHT NOW. But that’s the essence of it. You must let go of it in the now.

If you were to experience every bit of pain you’ve ever experienced in your lifetime right now, you would die.

But you must retread it, for your children, for yourself, for your destiny.

Why The Inner Child doesn’t work, and what will.

So, a few months ago I went on a “retreat” to Heal for Life in Newcastle. Now these are very well-intentioned people, and while I’ll say the week was helpful, it also was not.

Let me tell you why. One of the things they teach you at Heal for Life is that your life is your own, and now that you are an adult, you are allowed to let your own wants and needs be met, however, they also teach you that as a “survivor” of abuse, you are damaged. OK, I’m damaged, so what do I do now.

Well, you imagine the inner child within you. Now, I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I began imagining an actual child within my body. The problem with this is that if your life is informed by trauma then your image of children is informed by trauma.

So, your inner child may be dumb and stupid and weak and you won’t notice that you see it like that. Because your life is informed by trauma and darkness and hatred. So if you hate yourself then chances are you hate your “child” but you won’t know that til a while down the road. So slowly you will come to the realization that the child is actually you and you’re the governor of your own life, and you need to take care of yourself like you would a child.

STOP. Whoa, take care of yourself like you would a child? So you’re informed by trauma and you’re taking care of a “child”. You are inclined to let yourself do “whatever you want”, which isn’t helpful because if our needs are to be met, then you can’t do whatever you want.

I was very damaged but the people at Heal for Life didn’t understand that because they are so self-centred that they can’t see past their own trauma. That’s what Heal for Life breeds, it creates dependency on trauma. But I am nothing without my trauma! Let me stay here and be helped!

Heal for Life is a home away from home, well if your home is so shit then why do you keep going back to it? It’s in the child’s mind that they continue to go back to hate and fear and darkness. And so Heal for Life itself is based in trauma.

Now I’m not saying that Heal for Life is “bad”. They help a many great people and they get the word out about unseen forces in our community. But the problem is that it is self-centred and individualistic. Sometimes we need a helping hand, because what one can do, many can’t and what many can, one cannot. They are duplicit and consummate, you cannot have one without the other.

So through this you will seek to develop a new kind of trauma, an overwhelming sense of narcissism for your own life, where only YOUR needs matter and only YOUR identity matters. And what is that identity? One based in trauma.

How to actually ESCAPE trauma:

In order to escape trauma, you don’t need to relive it, this is what science tells. Philosophically, you will only remember what you need to and that is the case with me. I haven’t remembered everything, most of what I’ve remembered has just been feelings and ideas, and belief systems that I’ve had to let go of in order to inform my own life.

One great thing Heal for Life gives you is that you have control over your own life. But if Heal for Life is giving it to you, then somebody must be able to take it away. The truth is that you can lead yourself to that awareness and sense of inner self-worth. See the way to help people is not to lead them to precipice of destruction but to guide them to a greater sense of self.

You can tell people: Oh, you must take control of your own life and let your needs be met. But what man considers a need, may not be a need to another and needs are universal. So how do we understand needs? You cannot translate love through words. Love and acceptance must come from the heart, they must come from an individual who has great self worth.

Heal for Life is doing a great thing because nobody is actually trying to help anyone in this society, and they’re trying their damn hardest. But if they had the power to help everyone in Australia, we would eventually go back to where we are today, and the cycle need not repeat itself.

The only way to escape trauma is through meditation, through actualisation and through the absolvement of the identity. Because you must let go of AAAAALLLL of your belief systems, and you will not realize how deeply rooted they are at first, but they are, and they will hurt you. But life is trying to show you the way. So seek evolvement and seek joy and you will find a guiding path.